Parents who concentrate solely on correcting their teenager’s behavior risk leaving them feeling misunderstood, as explained in the book How Do You Hug a Cactus? The book advocates for a parenting approach called “Reflective Parenting,” which emphasizes understanding the workings of the teenage brain.
According to the author, Dr. Sheila Redfern, a clinical child psychologist based in London, teaching teenagers to comprehend their emotions is crucial for their development into resilient and independent adults. Drawing from her 30 years of experience, Dr. Redfern suggests that instead of simply trying to eliminate difficult behaviors, parents should focus on teaching their children how to manage their emotions and navigate relationships in healthy ways.
Expounding on this, it means that parents need to go beyond just addressing surface-level behaviors. They should delve into the underlying emotions and motivations behind those behaviors. By helping teenagers understand their feelings, parents empower them to develop emotional intelligence and coping skills, which are vital for their future success and well-being. This approach fosters a deeper connection between parents and teenagers, creating an environment where teenagers feel heard, understood, and supported.
“Understanding the neuroscience of the changing teenage brain can really help parents to empathize and connect with their teenage children,” said Redfern.
Parenting teenagers presents unique challenges, such as navigating social media, self-harm, and risky behaviors. However, this stage can also be deeply rewarding for everyone involved.
Through reflective parenting, parents can empower teenagers to develop their own strategies for facing challenges as they arise.
“The focus is on keeping a connection with your teenager and helping them to manage, sometimes overwhelming and unwanted, feelings. This is one of the most important skills for life you can teach your teenager.”
“By drawing out from your teenager how they are planning to solve difficulties—without pointing out flaws but simply offering another perspective of any potential downsides—you will help them to gain independence and develop skills for life while staying connected to you.”
One important aspect of reflective parenting involves parents checking in with themselves. If they’re feeling strong emotions, it’s crucial to take a moment to reflect before starting a conversation.
Afterwards, the parent can address a teenager’s emotional distress by offering validation and empathy. This means describing how the teen might be feeling and refraining from imposing their own opinions.
“You take this self-reflective step first, then you can give your full attention and curiosity to your teenager’s perspective, and they will experience you as somebody steady, consistent and trustworthy,” Redfern explained.
“This can be extremely hard for parents as we worry a lot about our teenagers and regulating emotions (of our own) is difficult sometimes.”
She observes that adolescence is a critically important period for mental development, with teenagers being significantly more vulnerable to mental illness.
“This is not just a time of physical and neurological change, but also of great vulnerability. It’s during this period of development that teenagers are much more likely to engage in risky behavior and develop a mental illness.”
Research indicates that humans possess three fundamental bio-behavioral systems crucial for navigating the complexities of social interactions: the reward system, the ‘mentalizing’ or ‘social cognition’ system (which involves understanding oneself and others in terms of feelings, desires, and values), and the stress and threat system.
During adolescence, these systems undergo a reorganization in the brain, according to Redfern. This reorganization results in patterns of thought, behavior, and responses to others that might be puzzling, seemingly irrational, highly reactive, or self-destructive.
This is because teenagers primarily process information through the amygdala, the emotional center of the brain. Consequently, they often become preoccupied with their own emotions, making it challenging for them to empathize or attune to others.
“When we look at brain development, it’s factually inaccurate to describe an 18-year-old as an adult. Our brains haven’t fully developed until we’re in our mid-twenties. From the age of 18 until around 25 years old, sometimes even later, our brains are still developing.”
She explains how an emotionally charged brain can lead to assumptions that feel like undeniable truths, forming a mindset where thoughts such as ‘no one likes me, I am alone’ become entrenched.
When teenagers experience changes in their brains that diminish their ability to reflect, they often find themselves in frequent states of high emotional arousal. During these times, parents can step in to offer guidance and support.
Engaging in reflective parenting can foster a deeper connection between you and your teenager, and ideally lead to a more tranquil and mutually understanding relationship. However, it’s crucial to maintain firm boundaries throughout this process.
“Reflecting on thoughts and feelings alone is not the type of parenting being advocated here. Boundaries still count, and so does parental authority,” Redfern, whose website contains articles that explain the issues in-depth, said in conclusion.
We can’t always be perfectly reflective parents since our emotions fluctuate with events, but we can strive to improve by learning and applying some of these best practices for next time.
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